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But the younger widows refuse: for when they have begun to wax wanton against Christ, they will marry; Having damnation, because they have cast off their first faith. And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not. I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. For some are already turned aside after Satan.
1 Timothy 5:11-15
When I started reading these verses the other day I had a few questions on my heart and as I read The Lord answered these questions. For a very long time society has sold us lies. Television and now social media have shaped our thinking to become so warped in ways we don’t even realize. One of these things is how close in friendship and relationship we should be with people outside our home.
As women we watch Hallmark movies showcasing the starlett and her best friend, who are interconnected in every way. They share every detail of life and bear their souls one to another. We’ve been made to feel this is the goal and if we don’t have it we are missing out. But as women when we do have interconnected relationships how do we handle them?
What I’ve found as a woman is that most female relationships have a tendency, if not kept in check, to run this way:
And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.
1 Timothy 5:13
If we as women are honest with ourselves we have to be guarded and careful, but our society takes everything in I Timothy 5:13 and praises it.
Here are some definitions of these words according to the Strongs Concordance:
Idle – inactive, i.e. unemployed; (by implication) lazy, useless
Tattlers – (to bubble); a garrulous (talkative; pratting [One that talks much to little purpose, or on trifling subjects – Websters 1828]) person
Busybodies – working all around, i.e. officious (Busy; intermeddling in affairs in which one has no concern – Webster’s 1828 [meddlesome])
How many times have we been pushed to be inactive in our homes? We all have cell phones in our hands, TVs on our walls, every appliance keeps us from working harder than necessary. We are encouraged to stop and stop often. Or we are pushed to be overactive outside of our home as if we do not have a job – unemployed. We are encouraged to give 200% just not in the God-given place we should be.
We are also encouraged to over share about subjects that have no substance or value. How often have you gotten a history lesson about someone’s life you never met or someone you are going to meet? Gossip is praised and looked at as just a normal female activity. But all of these things indicate one thing – your husband has died and is no longer available to keep you occupied in productive ways. You have no home to manage.
This really hits home for me. I’ve felt a bit guilty for not reaching out more or not longing for female fellowship more but I also felt as if a lot of female fellowship brings out negative tendencies in my life and I don’t want to hinder others so I step back. Limited fellowship has been a blessing and benefit as I form deeper, godly relationships. In the limited fellowship I find myself more guarded with my tongue and more prayerful about my response. I find myself encouraging and being encouraged, but in the relationships that have ever had full, free access there is a tendency to not keep myself in check and to leave those interactions over thinking everything I said, knowing that I had crossed lines. In that time frame I have not been concerned with the needs of my home and family. I’ve lived like I’ve had no accountability or authority in my life.
When we look at Titus 2 about the aged women’s instruction to the younger women we see first thing that she is told to watch her behavior. It wasn’t about what she could say with her mouth. It was about what she could live with her life. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the first thing she is told to be in her behavior is holy and then directly following, she’s not to be a false accuser. Her tongue and how she used it were to be directly addressed from the pulpit by Titus. When we come down to what she was to teach the younger women through this behavior of holiness it is to be a keeper at home. This ties directly into I Timothy 5:13. She was to teach the younger women that they can be fully fulfilled in their own home. How is that done? By her being fully fulfilled in hers. She had to set the example to follow.
This was not an example of laziness, talking too much about nonsense, or being the town or church gossip. She was to be directed by Titus as an aged woman not be a false accuser – a traducer; specially, Satan—false accuser, devil, slanderer (TRADU’CER, noun One that traduces; a slanderer; a calumniator. CALUMNIATOR, noun One who slanders; one who falsely and knowingly accuses another of a crime or offense, or maliciously propagates false accusations or reports. – Websters 1828)
Only by not being a false accuser could she live up to the qualifications to teach the younger women to love their husbands and children.
I said all of that to simply say- it’s okay to be a wife who enjoys her family and doesn’t have a ton of friendships, or even one, that takes up her daily time and attention. It’s okay to be so busy at home that you have to say, “No thank you!” to personal invites without guilt. It’s okay to go home when conversations start turning to tattling, busybodiness, or false accusation. It’s okay to find your refuge, joy, and fulfillment in your home, husband, children, and most of all The Lord.
Having friends is not wrong. I am blessed with more friends than most people and I believe that is because they are limited in time and access. Friendship can become wrong when we are investing in those friendships as if we do not have anything to invest in at home. The Proverbs 31 woman is an amazing example used for us women a lot. Do you know what we don’t find in that passage? Her friends. I’m sure she had some. But, she was a queen who was busy running a castle. She had a husband, children, maidens to direct, goods to sell. She was busy. She was invested in the needs of her household first.
This world tries to tell us that men are stupid, children are inconvenient, homes are to be picture perfect but not really lived in. That the only ones who get us are our friends and other women. That we can learn more at the feet of women than at the feet of Jesus. The world is wrong. I don’t want to live like my husband is dead. I don’t want to have a lifestyle that is indicative of a widow without authority and boundaries. I don’t want to treat my marriage as if it’s so secondary I need others to fulfill the voids, or treat my children like they are a bother to my life.
It’s time to rise up and find the place God made for us. It will go against the grain of this world and even most Christian women. It’s time to rise up to enjoy our homes and to invest more heavily in our marriage than in our friendships. It’s time to find our place at Jesus’ feet and not at the feet of those who we long to gossip with. Lord, please help me and forgive me for my ignorance all these years.
But as touching brotherly love ye need not that I write unto you: for ye yourselves are taught of God to love one another. And indeed ye do it toward all the brethren which are in all Macedonia: but we beseech you, brethren, that ye increase more and more; And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you; That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without, and that ye may have lack of nothing.
1 Thessalonians 4:9-12
To all my godly friends that give counsel, take counsel, point me back to my husband, point me to God’s Word, and truly love me for who I am without false accusation, thank you!!! Thank you for serving The Lord first, your family second, for knowing your limits, and when to simply say, “I’m sorry, but I’m busy at home right now. I’m with my family.” I learn how to love The Lord more my watching you!!
With much love,
Kate Ledbetter
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