*Written by Katie Ledbetter
Two months after my oldest daughter, Tori, was born we packed up a moving truck and headed to Henderson, North Carolina. I was leaving the Bible College we had attended for three years, the church we had joined almost two years before after we were married, and all the friendships built in that stage of life. In college I was only three and a half hours from my family; where we were moving would be 11 hours away. We were so excited, but the excitement of the new quickly faded into the loneliness of early, isolated motherhood. I didn’t have a vehicle of my own, this was before cell phones had become a real thing, and long distance was pricey. The church was small and the situation out of balance and not what we expected at all as we arrived and found that the church people had no idea the pastor had even invited us to come serve with him at all.
Two months after my oldest daughter, Tori, was born we packed up a moving truck and headed to Henderson, North Carolina. I was leaving the Bible College we had attended for three years, the church we had joined almost two years before after we were married, and all the friendships built in that stage of life. In college I was only three and a half hours from my family; where we were moving would be 11 hours away. We were so excited, but the excitement of the new quickly faded into the loneliness of early, isolated motherhood. I didn’t have a vehicle of my own, this was before cell phones had become a real thing, and long distance was pricey. The church was small and the situation out of balance and not what we expected at all as we arrived and found that the church people had no idea the pastor had even invited us to come serve with him at all.
I was still a new mom and trying hard to find my way and figure it all out. I was nursing and she was stubborn. Though she did seem to grow out of the red headed temper, she was most definitely born with one. We were learning together how to be mother and daughter and how to be what God made us to be in these rolls. I loved my husband but he wasn’t a woman and couldn’t understand all i was going through. I had been saved less than a year at this time. We had moved from Ohio and moving to the south brought a whole new aspect of life I had never before knew existed. This church didn’t have and didn’t want a nursery. This meant I had no break to even get my soul fed and I had never been trained what to do with a baby in church. My husband did get to sit with me those first few months most services, but he couldn’t feed her, and I couldn’t pump, so most services were spent sitting in a Sunday School room not hearing well, if able to hear at all.
My entire existence was centered around this small person and her daddy and I loved it!
I loved every minute and yet I was so lonely. My heart was aching. How do you ask for help when you don’t even know what you need? You don’t. I didn’t feel like I was suffering enough to complain, after all we were doing God’s work and I didn’t want to be the weak link in my husband’s ministry. But, I was starving for godly, female fellowship. The few ladies in the church had no idea. I was a Yankee and they were doing their best by me. I was a stranger and so were they. They had no idea why we were even there and we had been instructed by the pastor not to tell them. That makes getting close to people impossible. As I said, I didn’t even know what questions to ask, or if it was even okay to ask church people when we were supposed to be ministering to them. I longed for the days when my mother, sisters, mother-in-law, and grandmother called me. I didn’t tell them how lonely I was. I didn’t tell anyone but I cried every time I hung up the phone.
I cried alone. I didn’t want Jeff to know. I didn’t want my precious baby to feel the hurt. I didn’t want to be a burden and most of all I didn’t want God to think I wasn’t thankful. So, I suffered and grieved alone, longing for something, but I didn’t really even know what. No other preacher’s wife reached out and I had no idea if I could reach out to them. I didn’t want to be a bother to anyone.
I could tell you a hundred more stories about loneliness in motherhood, loneliness in ministry, loneliness in general. I’m hear to assure you loneliness is normal. That’s right!!! It’s 100% normal. You carried each baby inside of you for nine months and no one on the outside even really knew what you were going through. Whether you nurse, can’t nurse, or chose to bottle feed every avenue comes with a learning curve and you feel as if you are all alone in it. If you have one child or you have six you are their entire world and at times that just feels draining and you long for adult interaction. And, not just any interaction, but the interaction of a dear friend who understands and doesn’t want anything from you. Not everyone has that, in fact, most women don’t. So where’s the hope? Where’s the encouragement? It’s exactly where you think it is.
It’s found in The Lord and in His Word.
Hebrews 13:5 KJV
Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
He will not leave you in this time. He will not forsake you. I wish that we had more women willing to step up for each other but sadly we don’t, so my advice to you is to become one. You may never have the friend you need but you can become the friend someone else needs. Through you unity can be built in your friendships and in your church.
Proverbs 18:24 KJV
A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.
If you do not want to be lonely invite people into your world, however messy it may be right now. Bring them into your life with the sole purpose of encouraging them, but you must set boundaries. This can’t become a vent session of all your negativities or your loneliness will just grow. Invite a younger woman and an older, godly woman to lunch. Be ready to sympathize with the younger and learn from the elder. Will you feel less lonely? Maybe not, but the purpose is to be willing to give not to gain. I know in this stage of life you have very little to give at all but I found God’s Word to be true. If you strive to please The Lord He will fill the need.
Acts 20:35 KJV
I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive.
If your loneliness is more than loneliness. If it’s hormonal and you feel lost and like ending it all please get medical help. Don’t wait. Feeling alone because you’re a new mom is normal. Feeling like hurting yourself, your baby, your other children, your spouse, or anyone else is not normal, it is medical. You may be a bit off balance from what your body lost in pregnancy, delivery, and nursing. Get help! There is nothing wrong with asking for help. Most of the time you just need a boost for a short time and then you’ll be back to your old self again. The brain is an organ it needs help and healing sometimes just like the rest of the body does.
For those of your who are just in the adjustment stage of life I promise it gets easier. One day you’ll be able to listen to a whole sermon in church. One day you’ll be able to even take notes again. It may not be today and if you ever need to talk about it please go to a godly woman and not someone who will handicap you. Grumbling is what kept Israel handicapped in the wilderness. Find you a good aged woman who loves The Lord, who loves her husband and children, who loves the church, and loves to pray. You need someone you know will pray for you. It’s going to be okay! The Lord understands!
Psalm 147:5 KJV
Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite.
Embrace the loneliness and make it your friend. You’ll never get this time back again and if you spend all your time looking for a way out you’ll never be able to realize that God wanted to meet you in this place. You have an opportunity that so many miss. You have a place inside right now that no human can fill. Let God have His place in your lonely.
